One year later.

 It hit me the other day that it has been one year since I sent my first query (pitch) to a literary agent for my novel. 

Given I didn’t know much about the book publishing industry before I started all of this, I had spent months prior learning everything I could about the process. And yet, I still felt so clueless and nervous about the process when it was time to start, that I sat in front of my computer for probably an hour just staring at the screen. Rereading and editing my letter that I’d already edited the heck out of, over and over, before I hit send. 

In the weeks that followed, whenever I excitedly filled anyone who asked in on what I was doing, 9/10 times, I’d say something like: 

From what I’ve read, some people query for years, and get hundreds of rejections before they get an agent. But hopefully it doesn’t take me that long to get picked up!

Then, my hopeful and maybe a little prideful side would internally say:

It won’t. By a year at most, you’ll be with an agent or publisher.

Next came dreams of this exact blog post. I imagined it saying something like:

I have spent the last year querying agents, and I’ve done it! I found my dream agent. We still have a long way to go before my debut novel hits shelves, but I’m thrilled to have *insert name here* on my team and insanely thankful for their belief in my book.

Here I am today. A year later, and I’m typing… not those sentences.  

Instead, I have these ones:

I have spent the last year of my life querying literary agents, and I have over 120 rejections to show for it.

I’ve surprised myself with how often I’ve genuinely thought about quitting.

I’ve been informed that my pitch was sitting in an agent’s maybe pile, only to be rejected months later. Half of me has felt encouraged by being so close, and the other half just wanted to scream.

I’ve agonized over what people thought of me.

Do people think I’m crazy for doing this? Did that one friend or family member who never said anything after I sent them part of my manuscript, read it, and then hate every word of it? Did that one agent ghost me? Is that one person who complimented my writing lying to me?

I’ve read countless articles about how tough the publishing industry is, done my best to find a strange comfort in the fact that I wasn’t alone in what I was experiencing but then ignored it all the next day, and convinced myself I was doing everything wrong. Believing everyone was landing an agent or book deal except me.

I told everyone in the beginning that if there was one thing that I needed, it was thicker skin. This process has given me that. But I began to wonder if I was too numb or if my skin was too thick, when my mom would care more about a rejection than I would.

Has a piece of me started to actually give up, without me even really realizing?

The quiet kid I used to be, who would stress out about reaching out to someone I knew for help, out of fear of getting no reply or feeling like I was annoying them, has reached out to more strangers than I thought I ever would.  

I have gotten plenty of no-replies, from agents and people I was just reaching out to for advice.

“You never know,” has come out of my mouth frequently in the last year. I’m less afraid to take a chance and hearing nothing back maybe only makes half of my brow sweat.

So, yes. The result of the last year has not been what I expected. But I’ve done my best to see the ways even the really hard things have helped me grow.

And despite the many times I’ve said (sometimes through tears) that I was done with this, I haven’t given up yet.

I have a few hopeful leads out there with some independent publishers, and I still spend a chunk of my day researching both agents and publishers. While writing a second novel.

This has been, by far, the hardest thing I’ve ever done. In effort of telling myself it hasn’t been a waste, I wanted to share the top three things I’ve learned. For any fellow querying author, or maybe anyone who is just also experiencing something that feels hard and never-ending – I hope you find something in these words too.

1.     Let your rough drafts be rough drafts.

Something the perfectionist in me has to remind myself of, constantly. Nothing is perfect on the first try, editing exists for a reason. Every published book you read was rough first. Let yourself get the story out first, then fix it up later.

2.     Hold tight to your own perspective.

Don’t forget why you’re writing, whatever your reason is. It’s okay (good, in fact!) to dream big. But staying grounded is important. So is not letting yourself get too discouraged. I started writing for the one little girl growing up in a walker, like I was. If my book helps just one of those little girls in this world, I will have done my job. I will be genuinely over-the-moon with that result. Anything else that may happen, is genuinely a bonus to me. My reminder to myself whenever I’m overwhelmed, close to quitting, or even whenever I’m feeling confident, has been:

For the one who needs these words and this story. That’s my reason.

3.     Keep your head down.

It’s cliché, I know. But this experience more than any other has taught me how much comparison can steal from you. Whether I was comparing myself to authors who had landed their deal or to friends who have been making a fulltime salary while I’ve been freelancing and looking at my one and a half unpublished books, comparison has stolen from me more in this year than it has given to me. Focus on what you’re doing, seek advice, and cheer for those around you. But don’t discount your own work because someone else seems to be doing more or better than you. Have hope for where you’re going. Look forward to looking back on the hard thing and saying: I did that.

Since I graduated, my life has looked almost nothing like I thought it would.

But I’m learning that’s maybe just part of being a twenty-something. Or maybe even just part of being a human.

Hopeful that I’ll be back here soon with book news. But until then, I’m reminding myself just as much as I’m reminding you that doing hard things usually turns out to be worth it.

And while sometimes your expectations get shattered, I’m choosing to believe that can sometimes mean something better might be coming.

Doing my best to live with a lot of grit and even more hope.

As always, thanks for reading. For clicking on my little corner of the internet.

It means more than you know.

~ Jordan

P.S. I’ve fired up a new email list, so if you’re interested in subscribing to the latest on my blog, check out the box at the bottom of my home page. Also, I’ve created a new Instagram to keep all my writing/publishing ventures in one place. I’ve linked it here (@jordelliswrites).